I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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