Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
