I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
