i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
