at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
