Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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