Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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