You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
