He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
