I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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