you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
