I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
