if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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