smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
