If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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