I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
