I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
