Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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