i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
