She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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