you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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