yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
