All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I need to calm my uterus...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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