Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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