i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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