He kissed a someone with a penis
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
