don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
