I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize
