when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
