I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
