My liver just broke up with me...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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