Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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