The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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