2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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