Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
