just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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