what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
