My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So squirting runs in the family.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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