there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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