this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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