Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
