'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
