Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
