the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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