She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
