somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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