Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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