Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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