I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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