Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
