i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
