what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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