Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
