Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
