just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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