some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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