I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
