life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
