when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Blood and glitter go together right?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
