I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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