party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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