I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
