Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
