he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
