At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
