she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
