Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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