I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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