My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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