just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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